ready, set, live.

so, it seems lately that i have heard over and over that people "can't wait for thier lives to start" or they are "putting their lives on hold" for whatever reason and its quite likely that I, myself have used a similar phrase. yet, somewhere between then and now, i picked up a bit of philosophy, probably from a cheezy movie like Dirty Dancing or one of the other 34 cheezy movies i've seen lately, and i think that it is quite applicable to this time in my (and most of my friends and peers') lives. that is, for me at least, the last few years have been frought with transition after transition, change after change, and less and less certainty about my future.

the bit of philosophy that I've learned is simply that life started a long time ago, somewhere around 25 or so years back. and this is it. we have been given one life on this earth. one chance to do all of the things we ever wanted to do, and while I can't wait to have a husband and a house and a fence and a dog and a career and whatever else, these things don't mark the begining of my life, they mark the begining of a new track, a new chapter, or whatever sort of arbitrary separation of time one chooses.

so, ready, set, live.

Skydiving

So, by now if you are reading this blog with any sort of consistancy, you will haev realized that I love analogies. That said, here is what I've been thinking about for the last couple of days.

This making grown up decisions (concerning the job search) business is a lot like skydiving. Follow me here. The backstory: I recently applied for a job with A&S advising, was offered the position, and subsequently turned it down. The analogy begins here. So I'm flying in this plane toward my future, right, and in the middle of the flight I am faced with two choices, stay on the plane and land back in the middle of Missouri to take the job, or, open the door and jump and see where the winds blow me. Standing in the open doorway, I'm scared as heck, knees shaking, dry mouth, sweaty palms, thinking that it would be so easy to go back to my seat put up my tray table and ride out the rest of the flight, while also thinking, you've been here for 6 years, it's time to Cowboy up--say holy buckets and jump. So, I jumped, unsure of where I'll land, knowing only that it won't be in missouri, and that i won't know where I am going until I get there. The first 30 seconds are complete and utter chaos mixed with panic, what did I just do...and then freedom.

So here is where I am now, I have nothing holding me down, I'm 25 and I'm pretty sure I can do anything I set my mind to, leaning totally and completely on my faith in God and knowing that He has a plan for me and that He will provide for me what He sees fit. And you know what, I think I'm okay with that.

Thought

So, I'm sitting in a coffee shop in Mustang, Oklahoma, and contrary to it's name Mustang isn't quite a bustling metropolis. But the last 7 hours have taken me everywhere from Bellingham, Washington to Fort Collins, Colorado to Eugene, Oregon and then as quick as i got there i returned to the chair I have been occupying for much of the day.

My job search today can most accurately be described with an analogy. Finding jobs in higher education is sort of like buying something on Ebay...whether or not you win the auction, it's been a fun adventure searching for the perfect deal.

As for an update on the job mentioned in my last post...perhaps I will remain a kid for the next six months and then when i graduate with my ELPA (unofficial) cohort in May I will depart on the adventure of a full time job as an Academic Advisor...hopefully hundreds of miles from the middle of Missouri.

What's Next?

In elementary school when you finish a grade you know what comes next, 3rd then 4th, and so on. Middle school is the same, 7th grade to 8th grade and after that high school, that is the next logical step. After 4 years high school, these days, college is the next step. So, 4 years go by at Mizzou and then graduation. I did the "run away from the real world" thing, I went to Canada and played for 6 months and then I got tired of that, so I was faced with a choice, work or graduate school. So, I came back to Mizzou and started my masters program. Well, its a year and a half later and now...

What's Next? I'm interviewing for a job at Mizzou on Wednesday. It's an academic advsing job in the College of Arts & Sciences in their Academic Exploration and Advising Services Office, I would be working with undecided and undeclared students, pre communication and pre journalism students. As of right now I am interning in the very same office doing the very same thing. In fact last week I advised roughly 25 students for early registration.

But even as perfect as this sounds, is it what I should do? Getting the job means a couple of different things, one, is that I would be leaving my assistantship with Summer Welcome a semester early, two, is that I would be both a full time staff member and finishing my masters, and three, this garuntees at least a few more years in columbia.

Not getting or taking the job means that I am right about where everyone else in my program is, finishing their degree and starting the job hunt when we get back from winter break. Theoretically, I could go anywhere in the US, pending there are openings in academic advising, and they wanted me, right?

So, here is where I miss the days of old, when my path was laid before me. So, that is that, to stay or not to stay at Mizzou, to be or not to be an academic advisor, these are the days of my life.

Sensory Overload

It's amazing to me how quickly I get sensory overload. In the last 5 days I have been overwhelmed by my surroundings 4 times, and each time it has been a completely different situation. The first time I was on a plane on my way to Dallas, Texas for a National Orientation Directors Association Conference. I was completely amazed (for the oh, 16th time or so) at how amazing flight is. Here is this giagantic metal bus filled with a bazillion people each with a maximun of two 55lb bags to be checked and 2 bags as carry on, airplane snacks, cans of soda, mini alcohol bottles, and 1 nasty airplane toilet--FLYING through the air above the clouds covering hundreds of miles in mere moments. i will never understand the science of flight, but I do understand the feeling of freedom knowing i could hop a plane at any moment and be in iceland before people even started to wonder.

on the other hand, I just got back from a 40 minute bike ride where I covered approximately 5 miles worth of laps around the State Farm campus by my house. I was my own engine, my own motor, I was making the wheels turn. my heart was pumping, the wind was racing past my ears silencing out the rest of the world. it was great, and just what I needed, another dose of freedom, though this one was different-this was a thankful kind of freedom, knowing that my God is a great God who made the human body to do all kinds of crazy things, like being my own engine. This is the kind of sensory overload I long for, the kind where God suprises me with his AWEsome work on earth.

last night I went to the mall to buy big girl clothes becuase as of monday I am advising anywhere between 3 and 6 students a morning in the Academic Exploration and Advising Office in the Student Success Center for my internship-how cool is that by the way. But anyway, back to the sensory overload--it was like walking into my worst nightmare. It was loud, there were tons of people, kids, moms, sales people, bad muzac and the noise of work-hangers, and plastic bags. I could smell cookies from the cookie place, perfume unneccessarily sprayed in my direction, shampoo from the salon, and new clothes, cardboard box smell, the smell of mall. The lights were neon and bright, there were giant red signs denoteing the current sale, christmas set up, tons of stock and lots of people. whoa.

back to the bike ride. since I was my own engine and motor, i moved through the crisp fall air nearly silent. fall is in full swing here and the leaves are amazing, the grass is still green, and becuase it was dusk teh sky was on fire. it was beautiful. it was perfect. it was just what i needed. pinks and oranges, reds and blues, the sun was hidden just enough that the whole sky was lit but it was soft. the air was perfect and clean and crisp. and I was again overwhelmed by God's handy work. what a beautiful earth. who would have thought that the seasons changing would mean being surrounded by beauty, as fleeting as it is.

so-that's it. 5 days and sensory overload in 4 ways. I love opposites, it puts everything in perspective, you know?

happy fall.

Amazing Grace

I am currently reading What's So Amazing About Grace? and it has shown me a most sobering reality, and that is how we live in a world of ungrace -- rather than awarding people for being on time, we punish the late, and when we get tests back the incorrect answers are highlighted rather than the correct. It's a dog-eat-dog-world, the early bird gets the worm, and second place is the first loser.

Thing is, what's so great about crossing the finish-line first? you've pushed and shoved your way to the front only to find no one waiting for you at the end. I myself would rather finish somewhere in the middle, there are people there waiting for you when you cross the line, and then you get to be at the line when those behind you cross. what could be better than at the end of a long hard race to be surrounded by the people you are running that crazy race with?

Our world, Yancey says, starves for grace.

so, what's so amazing about grace... well the more i learn about it and from it, the more i am humbled by God's ucanny ability to comfort and love.

Anyway, here is an exerpt from the book:

[At a seminar, Manning referred to Jesus' closest friend on earth, the disciple named John, identified in the Gospels as 'the one Jesus loved.' Manning said, "If John were to be asked, 'What is your primary identity in life?' he would not reply, 'I am a desciple, an apostle, an evangelist, an author of one of the four Gospels,' but rather, 'I am the one Jesus loves.' "

What would it mean, I ask myself, if I too came to the place where I saw my primary, identity in life as "the one Jesus loves"? How differently would I view myself at the end of the day? How would my life change if I truly believed the Bible's astounding words about God's love for me?] -philip yancey

the amazing part about grace is that even in a world of ungrace-- grace, His Grace, still wins.

Grace Must Wound Before it Heals

"It was Flannery O'Connor who said that 'grace must wound before it heals.' Her words help to separate what is most true about life from the things we want to be true. We want life to be painless. True grace is a hard sell becuase in order for the human heart to understand forgiveness and love, it must first first experience darkness and isolation. A life lived under the rule of grace is a life of need which allows us to receive and appreciate the gift of the Giver of Grace. This is why we will always have the poor with us; this is why God will not allow us to ignore injustice; this is why we are called to a life we cannot handle alone, which can and will break us in the effort to live it-becuase grace must wound before it heals." -Justin McRoberts

it is sometimes overwhelmingly clear to me that I can't do this whole "life" thing on my own. some days i try and forget that or run away from that life, only to be stopped in my tracks broken, and then put back together by God's grace and mercy.

Quarter Century, Eh?

I suppose turning 25 means that I am growing up, and that perhaps I would have something profound to say or to be, and this shall be where these thoughts end up...